Fun in Southeast Asia

Okay so here's a tidbit from drunk Mary (my former roommate in Coogee and all around cool gal) who is now wandering around SE Asia..she's so funny will remind you of Bridget Jones when you are reading the travelouge but it's worth checking out..so read on..


Hello lovely people! I didn't manage to send these e-mails to you the first time around, so I am afraid I have sent them as one extremly long one now!! SORRY! You can read it in stages...one a week, so that you dont actually die of boredom! I am now in Vietnam, but about to head to Cambodia. Laura... How's the restaurant and the monster? Hope both are not causing you too much trouble!! I miss you and Nick and Coogee! Lots and lots of hugs xxxxx Drey... my love how is Brissy? How is life? Was thinkin bout you today, and thinkin what lovely friends I had in Oz! Loads of love xxxx Oh and I have been a very good girl, so should manage to stay out of a Thai prison for the moment... HOWEVER...I have been practising my kareoke version of "like a virgin" in a wonderbra just in case! xxxxxxxx Saibadee from Laos! This is one of those totally boring travel updates, where I bleat on and on about the wonders of elephants... so if you choose to read it and then start to worry about my pathological obsession with large grey animals, then it is your own fault as I did warn you. Ok... so some of you are aware that I am now hurtling around South East Asia at quite an alarming pace, do to my unfortunate need to return to the oh so cold splendour of the U.K on May 11th to watch one of my money obsessed city broker cousins wander down the aisle with his poor deluded bride....who, to get with the theme of : "we have monay yah yah...we want more money...yah yah...we never shut up about money...yah, yah", will be attired in a v, tacky gold dress! I therefore must return to England to witness this debacle, and to carry on my traditional behaviour at family gatherings of getting utterly spasticated and then puking on somebody posh. I started my trip with the most fantastic couple of days out in the countryside a few hours away from Bankok, in Kanchanaburi. It was fascinating seeing the real 'Bridge over the River Kwai', and visiting the museum there. The poor P.O.W's had a shocking time, but there was a photo of a group of friends from the camp, who had all lost limbs while working on the bridge. They were wearing their prosthetic legs, grinning madly and hugging each other, on a visit back to the bridge, this time as paying customers. I have gone elephant mad over past couple of weeks... I met a baby elephant at the bridge and paid to feed him which was gorgeous, then I went to stay at an elephant camp. I got up at 6.30 (unheard of I know) the other morning to ride my favourite one called Leaf (he loves eating leaves of all kinds), down to the river and wash him. It was so scary at first as you dont feel at all safe, but after a while I just wedged my thighs firmly under the poor creatures ears and wobbled on. It was Amazing being in the water with him! He kept ducking under the water and then spraying me with tons of water from his trunk! The photos are hilarious, of me clambouring all over this poor elephant, scrubbing his back and tusks, falling off, standing up on him, and being liffted up backwards on his trunk...with my whopping butt in the air! I didn't want it to end... its definitely the most fun you can have at 6.30am. I had to keep dodging the huge poos floating past me in the water!! My massive mouth was as usual wide open so I almost caught one in the gob. I then had a ride on another elephant, but this time it wasn't bare-back...it was on one of those two-person seats with my new Slovakian friend Roman (exceedingly yummy but too young...dammit!). It was so much more relaxing and far more comfy, than clinging wildly to an elephants ears! I then got to feed four elephants... I just adore the way they search your whole body for more bananas with their agile trunks. They blow warm air in your face to say "hurry up...I'm ready for another bunch"! They are definitely my favourite animal this month. I may even go back to the camp when I return to Bankok, to see them again. The camp was just so relaxing, as where I was staying was on stilts on the river, so I could hear the water flowing past at night. The people there were so lovely and there were the most gorgeous little kids running riot everywhere, having the most amazing childhoods. Kids as young as four can ride the elephants and give them commands... you should see them clambouring over them like its the most natural thing in the world. I played with 2 little boys loads, they loved having raspberries blown on their bellies, and rolling around in the dirt wrestling with me (I have never been so dirty...it was great!). They followed me everywhere, running after my elephant while I was riding him... we waged war on each other with imaginary guns... pow pow! As I left (floating down the river on a raft) they blew kisses at me and followed the boat down the river.... I have come to the conclusion that I have been wasting my time on grown up males, as the ones under four feet are obviously far more into me! I met an interesting Belgian girl my age who fell in love with the country, the elephants and a man here so stayed. She is the main Elephant trainer at the camp and can speak to them in Thai, BUrmese, and Cambodian! Elephants apparently are multi-lingual!! Her new baby, Ellie (v. aptly named), will apparently ride to school on an elephant and she already loves being on them and pulling their trunks! She was sooo squishy! I had a fantastic time there, which was only slightly marred by the fact that they lost my bag, so would you believe that I managed several days without soap, toothpaste or any products of any kind couple of days!! This would not seem too disastrous if I hadnt slipped on my way into the camp...slidfing down a large wet muddy hill, which was covered in elephant poo! Therefore I spent a lovely few days whiffing of Eau de L'Elephant. I ALSO got to stroke tigers at a temple in the middle of nowhere...they are quite fluffy really! Nice of them not to eat me I thought too! Especially as I am so rolly-polly now that I have plenty of good eating on me!! I made friends with the most beautiful, adorable little thai girl on the train too. She loved Bruno (I believe most of you have been introduced to my large bulldog stuffed animal...who is currently still the love of my life) and me, and I played with her for hours. She loved us so much that she abandoned her own bed and climbed in with me for some of the night. She was absolutley fascinated by my digital camera, and took tons of photos.... mainly of her own eye, however, as she loved the flash going off in her face (hope I haven't blinded her or anything!). She was also fixated by my electric toothbrush! She very kindly brushed my teeth for me (only causing me mild injury when she managed to hit the back of my throat!), in the night and morning and also took great pleasure in doing her own little teeths with the wildly vibrating contraption! So funny and cute! I really adore the children in Asia. They are so happy and unwhiny. They are easily pleased and have no problems amusing themselves with the little they have,( I'm going to adopt some instead of having miserable Brit children who will be injecting acid into their eye balls by 9.) There were loads of them jumping off walls into the river like little lemmings! I also went to visit an orphanage in Chiang Mai the other day, to sign up as a volunteer...unfortunatley the process took too long and I had to leave before I could do any work for them, such a shame! But I took the kids some toys (demonic yapping battery operated dogs with green flashing eyes...bound to be adored despite their hideous appearance!), and made a donation to put towards more resources. Such a shame I dont have more time here. I am now in Laos and think its just gorgeous! I have just come from Luang Prubang and just wandering around the town is fascinating. The buildings and temples are so characterful and beautiful, and the river with mountains rising up behind it caused me a sharp intake of breath as I turned a corner in the street and was faced with this stunning vista. There are hundreds of monks milling around the town.... I do love the vestments they wear...bright orange...as tho they've been tangoed! I am now in hippysville Van Vieng, which is utterly stunning. I have the most amazing view of the blue limestone mountains from my balcony, as I'm staying on the river. I spent the whole day chilling out on a raftlike platform over the water, watching more elephants having baths in the river.My peace was shattered when I was involved in a frenzied attack half way thru my relaxing day however, when I was bombarded by balls of riverweed by seventy or so local smiling kids. You will be relieved to hear that I sustained only minor injuries (to my sense of dignity) in the onslaught, however I was left looking like some variety of swamp monster. Reminded me of something from Doctor Who. I also made a right plonker out of myself when I decided to tackle a "happy pizza" last night, Fuck it was strong man.... I almost whitied on the way home, and then was violently sick in an alley, almost hitting a poor unsuspecting dog. Be warned... the stuff here is strong!! Either that or I have now turned into a total light weight and will have to give the stuff up entirely (which I almost totally have anyway), before I continue to humiliate myself further. Anyway, I must go as have lots more exploring to do and am then going to reward myself with trying a Laos massage...mmmmmmmmm! Hope its more relaxing than Thai style...which left me yelping in pain and rather bruised.... I really thought at one point she may have broken my back and rearranged all my internal organs (however, I must remember that I am a hopeless hypochondriac and a melodramatic drama queen and probably imagining it!) ............ update...have just had Lao massage....was performed by a ladyboy who's hormones must not have really kicked in yet (hint of a moustache). I hope you all had a fantastic Easter.And hope this long, droning account of my travels hasn't bored you to tears. Loadsa love. The intrepid adventurer and lover of elephants (in a purely platonic sense of course), Mary xxxxxxxxxx Dear God....have just re-read this e-mail and I either sound like a budding peadophile or a seriously clucky female who needs to procreate immediately. I assure you that I am neither of these things... its just that I do find children are more on the same wavelength as me at the mo...which is possibly more worrying??